Synopsis
After a drunken wager with the camp baker, the mighty Mongol warlord Barry Khan finds himself in an impossible situation: honour demands that he lead four thousand mounted warriors into battle... against a sponge pudding.
As Barry attempts to rally his troops with increasingly desperate rhetoric, he accidentally invents a terrifying prophecy about the deadly powers of the dessert. Unfortunately for Barry, fate appears to be listening.
What follows is a battle that will determine whether Barry Khan is remembered as a legendary conqueror... or the man who lost a war to a cake.
Excerpt
Barry turned his horse in the direction of the shouter. For a moment he was at a complete loss. He fervently wished now that he'd stuck to the "RARRRRs". His head was throbbing.
"The first man to strike that cake," said Barry, and even he didn't know where this was going, "is going to explode!"
Barry glanced over at Nigel, who had a look of horror on his face. He was shaking his head significantly as if to say, stop this madness now.
Barry was not sure what possessed him, maybe the satanic confectionary? But suddenly he didn't seem able to stop the flow of words.
"Yes!" he roared. "Explode! All his innards will burst apart and fly into the sky and eagles will swoop down and devour them."
"And then the next man to strike the cake, he will turn into a cake, identical to that evil f***ker up there and none will be able to tell them apart."
"Then the next man to strike the enemy, his insides will suddenly boil. And he will become steam and blow away on an evil wind. His eyes will melt. His heart will crack. If that man is you... you won't come back!"